Things People Are No Longer Allowed to do in the Eternal Alliance
by Lt. Basil
Summary: A list of things that are hereby forbidden for anyone to do in the Eternal Alliance, as laid out by members of the Outlander's inner circle. K plus for mild language, brief drug references, mild crude humor and referenced violence.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: As you can probably guess, this was indeed partially inspired by Skippy's list (though the real inspiration technically came from two other fanfics I read that were inspired by said list; one was for Harry Potter on AO3 and I don't remember what it was called, but the other is a Clone Wars fic called "The List" here on fanfictiondotnet). This takes place post-Iokath, Republic side, but with Quinn also in the Alliance because the Sith Warrior is in the Alliance along with my Jedi Knight Outlander.**

 **I seriously hope I'm not offending anyone here, this is really just a silly thing I made for the heck of it and I'm going to be keeping it PG but there are still some things some people might find offensive, so… I'm really sorry if you are one of those people. I mean no offense here.**

 **And I still don't own SWTOR, much as I wish I did T-T**

 **Check end of chapter for more notes.**

 _1._ The next person who tells one of the padawans that hydraulic fluid "tastes like candy" will be scrubbing 'freshers for the next standard month.

 _2._ I don't care how bored you are, ration bars are for eating, not building forts and having mudball fights  
 _2a_. And don't throw the ration bars at each other either; seriously, do you WANT to give someone a concussion?

 _3._ On account of the sheer quantity of carbon scoring decorating the men's 'fresher, Major Pierce and M1-4X are not to be left anywhere together unsupervised.  
 _3a._ Neither are Bowdarr and Qyzen.  
 _3b._ Or Jorgan and Kaliyo.  
 _3c._ Or Rusk and Quinn.  
 _3d._ You know what? Just keep a minimum of five to a room at all times.

 _4._ Stop calling all of the Imperials "Gov'na", that's racist.  
 _4a._ Imperials, stop calling all of the 'Pubs "Joe", that's also racist.

 _5._ Flamethrowers are not for cooking.  
 _5a._ Or drying clothes.  
 _5b._ Or glass art.  
 _5c._ Or any type of tribal dancing.  
 _5d._ As of right now, flamethrowers are forbidden unless you have expressed permission from myself*, Commander Ri'in, Agent Shan, Minister Beniko, Senya Tirall or Koth Vortena.  
 _5e._ Scratch Vortena.

 _6._ Your proper military title is NOT "Queen Lena of Onderon".  
 _6a._ Even if you are not technically military (looking at you, Gault).  
 _6b._ You are not the queen of anything, so take that hat off.

 _7._ Yuun is a Findsman, not a "hufflepuff" – what the heck even IS a "hufflepuff", anyway?

 _8._ Our Research Specialist's name is Dr. Ogurrub, not "that fat slug thing".  
 _8a._ Our Military Chief's name is Admiral Aygo, not "Senor Pussycat".  
 _8b._ And no, the Outlander's real name is not "Captain Planet" so stop telling the Zakuulans that it is.

 _9._ You are not "Supreme Commander of the Ant People".  
 _9a._ There is no such thing as "ant people"..  
 _9b._ Killiks and Geonosians do not count  
 _9c._ Speaking of Killiks, you are not "Dark Lord of the Joiners" so stop threatening to force-feed Killik wax to anyone who calls you out on your poodoo.

 _10._ Thermal detonators are not toys.  
 _10a._ Explosives in general are not toys.  
 _10b._ Dammit Kaliyo, stop supplying the rookies with grenades!  
 _10c._ Kaliyo Djannis is no longer allowed near explosives without direct supervision.

 _11._ If a door won't open, ask for help from a slicer or a maintenance worker. Don't cut it open with your lightsaber.  
 _11a._ Don't use grenades on it either.  
 _11b._ Or any sort of power tools.  
 _11c._ Don't break the doors down, period; seriously, our funds are stretched tight enough as it is without paying extra for unnecessary repairs.

 _12._ You are not allowed to mind trick Guss into singing Gungan ceremonial dance songs at the top of his lungs in the middle of the war room.  
 _12a._ You are not allowed to mind trick ANYONE into singing Gungan ceremonial dance songs at the top of their lungs in the middle of the war room.  
 _12b._ You are not allowed to mind trick your comrades, period.  
 _12c._ Yes, Arcann is your comrade. And mind tricks don't work on him anyway so don't bother trying.

 _13._ Asking a Jedi Master if they "wanna buy some death sticks" is inappropriate and will be punished accordingly.  
 _13a._ Spiking a Cathar's drink with catnip is also not allowed – and idiotic, I mean, WHY would you think that that was EVER a good idea?  
 _13b._ Since we're on the subject, WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE CATNIP AND DEATH STICKS?!

 _14._ When addressed by a superior officer, "You can't prove anything!" is not an acceptable answer.  
 _14a._ "The butler did it" is also not acceptable – this isn't some fancy Coruscant mansion, we don't even HAVE a butler.

 _15._ You do not need to scream every time a Sith Pureblood walks by you. It isn't funny; it's annoying.

 _16._ You are not allowed to strap superior officers to the wall with duct tape.  
 _16a._ You are not allowed to strap ANYONE to the wall with duct tape.  
 _16b._ DAMMIT PIERCE CUT QUINN DOWN RIGHT NOW OR SO HELP ME I WILL TURN YOU INTO A SHISH-KABOB!

 _17._ Arcann is not secretly a Hutt in disguise who is seeking to seize control of the Alliance "for the glory of the New Hutt Empire" so stop telling everyone that he is.

 _18._ There is no such thing as drop bears; therefore the excuse "a drop bear ate it" is not an acceptable explanation for why you never turned in your paperwork.

 _19._ Any plan that involves giving a kowakian monkey-lizard an entire pot of caf is probably a bad plan.  
 _19a._ Any plan that involves giving a kowakian monkey-lizard ANY caf at all is probably a bad plan.  
 _19b._ If your plan involves giving a kowakian monkey-lizard something outside of its natural diet then IT'S A BAD PLAN, so don't do it.

 _20._ Making fun of the Commander in the native Sith language is pointless as he is fluent in it and can understand everything that you are saying.  
 _20a._ No, this is not a joke. He's a Pureblood for Force's sake, of COURSE he's fluent, the fact that he also happens to be a Jedi doesn't change that!  
 _20b._ And just because Agent Shan CAN'T understand you doesn't mean that it's perfectly safe to make fun of him instead. He knows where you sleep, remember?

 ***Myself=male Inquisitor (who also happens to be second-in-command to my Outlander). The people writing this list are members of the Outlander's inner circle, mostly other class characters such as the abovementioned Inquisitor, my male Warrior, my female Consular, both of my Knights (male is the Outlander, female is not), my male Agent and my female Trooper. Lana and Theron both add points at times as well.**

 **I may or may not continue this fic, depending on how well it is received. I'll have to look over Skippy's list to get some more ideas though…**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Most of these are original or adapted from Skippy's list, but a couple were taken from another, similar style of list (can you guess which ones/what list?).**

 **Each chapter will consist of 20 points (plus an undetermined amount of secondary points). I probably won't make more than 4 or 5 chapters though, my inspiration is already running a little thin (sigh)…**

 **Anyway. Enjoy.**

21\. Trying to pet a Wookiee is hazardous to your health and should not be attempted under any circumstances  
21a. Trying to pet _Broonmark_ is utter stupidity and as such we are not held responsible for any limbs you may have lost while attempting it.  
21b. Your health insurance doesn't cover "getting your arm ripped off by a rabid Talz" so stop whining. You brought this on yourself.

22\. "But Gault said I could" is no excuse for taking a live Shade Stalker back to base and setting it loose.  
22a. Neither is it an excuse for bringing back a dead one.  
22b. Gault is not the boss of you.  
22c. If Gault thinks it's a good idea then it isn't. End of discussion.

23\. You are not allowed to sing the Imperial anthem in a screeching falsetto during nighttime hours.  
23a. Nor are you allowed to sing the Republic, Corellian, Alderaanian, Dubrillion or any other anthem in a screeching falsetto during nighttime hours.  
23b. You are not to sing during nighttime hours at all.  
23c. Rapping counts as singing.

24\. You are not allowed to keep a full-grown makrin as a pet.  
24a. You are DEFINITELY not allowed to keep a full-grown jurgoran as a pet.

25\. The war is not going to end thanks to the "sheer power of your amazing hair".  
25a. Your hair does not give you superpowers.  
25b. Your superiors DO know that for a fact.

26\. Re-routing the comm system directly to Arcann's room and screeching Vaylin impersonations into the microphone just to see what he'll do is not okay.

27\. Rakghouls are not good household pets.  
27a. Even ones that were originally kowakian monkey-lizards.  
27b. Keeping it in your room doesn't magically make it not dangerous.  
27c. You are not to team up with Dr. Lokin to start a "domesticated rakghoul breeding program".  
27d. No, you can't keep the damn rakghoul!

28\. Trandoshan bubblegum - bad idea.

29\. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle strategy.  
29a. Even if it successfully confuses the heck out of your opponents.  
29b. Plan B is not automatically "twice as much explosive weaponry as Plan A".  
29c. Seriously, these training exercises are not games. This isn't some silly tabletop RPG, this is building up your skills to protect the Alliance. Stop goofing off!

30\. You're not allowed to test whether or not a Jedi can deflect a guided missile with their lightsaber.  
30a. You can't test it on a Sith either.  
30b. Especially if said Sith was once a member of the Dark Council.

31\. Pouring salt on Dr. Ogurrub for any reason is cruel and wrong and therefore prohibited.

32\. Never dare a Mandalorian to do anything. THEY WILL ALWAYS DO IT.

33\. You may not call a Sith Lord an immoral, backstabbing, egocentric slimeball, even if you're right.  
33a. You are not to tell a Sith that you are smarter than them, ESPECIALY if you're right.  
33b. You may not add pictures of snobby Darths to the list of war criminals.

34\. No one cares _why_ you went streaking through the War Room in the middle of an important meeting with Republic officials, you are NEVER to do it again.

35\. Regardless of which rank you held before joining the Alliance, you do not have the authority to court-martial anyone.  
35a. Calling you a "half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder" is not grounds for a court-martial.  
35b. A court-martial order doesn't need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.

36\. Formation is neither the time nor the place to tell the latest off-color joke you heard from Major Pierce  
36a. Not even if it's a slapstick hilarious off-color joke.

37\. Just because the plan worked doesn't mean it wasn't stupid.

38\. You are not allowed to replace Dr. Ogurrub's dangerous chemical stashes with jars of jelly beans.  
38a. You are not allowed to frame Blizz or Guss or anyone else who's not you for the crime.  
38b. Not to name any names, but VETTE.  
38c. Don't deny it, half the base saw you do it.  
38d. You should've at least stored the chemicals in a safe place, we had people in HAZMAT suits crawling through the vents for _hours_ trying to clean up your mess.

39\. Blizz is not secretly an Ewok crime lord.  
39a. Nor is he an Ugnaught assassin.  
39b. He's _definitely_ not an oversized nuna.

40\. You cannot claim an inhabited planet "for the glory of our great lord, Darth Revan".  
40a. Do not mention the words "glory" and "Revan" in the same sentence EVER AGAIN. We are not Revanites. Revanites are creepy.  
40b. Also, inhabited planets are not up for grabs so you're not allowed to claim it for anyone's "glory" anyway..


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I think this is going to be the last addition to the actual list for awhile (again, inspiration is running** _ **very**_ **low) but I am going to write up one-shots for some of my favorite items on the list after this chapter, so stay tuned. Hope you enjoy it.**

41\. The term "an eye for an eye" was never meant to be taken literally.

42\. The Outlander is not, nor has he ever been, the captain of a crew of cannibal pirates.  
42a. That business on Rishi doesn't count, that was a cover story concocted by Beniko to make people take the Commander seriously since he was a fluffy little Jedi who wasn't intimidating in the slightest.  
42b. Never call the Commander "fluffy".  
42c. What happened on Rishi stays on Rishi.

43\. Nutripaste and superglue are not interchangeable.

44\. The ghost of Darth Nihlus is not haunting the Force Enclave waiting to eat the souls of unwary apprentices, and even if he was, foil hats are not adequate protection against Force-ghosts.

45\. Playing hide-and-seek on the deadly centuries-old warship is not going to end well.

46\. If you don't know what it is, you are to assume that you're not allowed to keep it as a pet  
46a. Or eat it  
46b. Or make clothes out of it.

47\. Minister Beniko is not your mom.  
47a. Agent Shan is not your dad.  
47b. The Commander is not your "crazy uncle Albert from the planet Melmac".  
47c. There is no planet Melmac.  
47d. We checked.

48\. You are not allowed to tie your superiors' pants onto the nose of an anti-air turret, or any other place where they can't easily reach it.

49\. Walkers are not for pest control.  
49a. We are tired of cleaning up exploded crates so stop using them inside the base.

50\. When you are asked what weaponry you are trained in, do not say "duel-wielding small animals, sir!"  
50a. Not even if it's true.  
50b. Small animals are not weapons.  
50c. And we can't keep blowing Alliance resources on industrial cleaners trying to clean up the mess they make.

51\. Echoing everything that a superior officer says back at them is annoying and will earn you a week's worth of sanitation duties.  
51a. A week's worth of sanitation duties.  
51b. Knock it off Gault.

52\. There is a time and place for donning a grass skirt and dancing the hula. The middle of the Military Wing while the recruits are running training drills is neither.  
52a. You may ONLY wear grass skirts in the cantina and ONLY when there is some sort of event going on.  
52b. And wear shorts underneath it.  
52c. Seriously, no one wants to see the color of your underwear - or worse - while they're trying to eat. Put some pants on!

53\. The ghost of Bastila Shan did not tell you to steal the Commander's lightsabers and use them to cut Master Thalmos' hair in her sleep, and even if she did, a 300-years-dead Jedi Master in _not_ the boss of you.  
53a. Commander Ri'in and Lord Imperious ARE the boss of you. And they are NOT happy.  
53b. You know who you are.

54\. Doing something stupid JUST to get a spot on this list will earn you the privilege of cleaning up after Doctor Lokin's rakghouls.

55\. If someone keeps bothering you, the correct response is to inform a member of the Outlander's circle and request their intervention. The correct response is NOT filling that person's socks with mashed potatoes and hanging them from the ceiling.  
55a. The socks, not the person.  
55b. But don't hang the person from the ceiling either.

56\. If it looks like a rancor, sounds like the rancor, and/or smells like a rancor, you are not allowed to take it into the base.

57\. You are not allowed to bring any pet gizka into the base until you have had them spayed or neutered. We have enough problems without having an infestation on our hands.

58\. Never flip off a Sith Lord  
58a. Or a Mandalorian  
58b. Or a Broonmark  
58c. Definitely don't flip off the Commander. Especially not in front of Senya or Minister Beniko.

59\. NEVER tell a blonde joke in front of Lana Beniko.  
59a. Never tell a "your momma" joke in front of Agent Shan.

60\. The next person who makes fun of Darth Occlus' singing _while she is healing someone_ will be scrubbing the floor of the cafeteria _with their toothbrush.  
_ 60a. You _do_ realize that she is working her butt off keeping you sorry lumps healthy, right? Show a little respect.  
60b. Occlus, stop zapping the people who make fun of you. I swear you're causing more injuries than the Zakuulans ever did.


End file.
